Many of you know by now that I am pregnant again. I'm 4 months in and so far everything is going beautifully. It's been a time of relying on God that this baby is in His hands. It's hard to admit and believe that at times, when the babe is my belly. But I know that no matter what the outcome, it is all for mine and Mark's best.
A year ago about this time, I was actually pregnant for the first time with our baby that we affectionately named Peanut. We suspected I was pregnant at a conference in Atlanta, but the home tests came back negative. So, we waited. In mid-May, we got a blood test confirming I was indeed pregnant, but was potentially in the midst of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. The hope was the my hcg levels would rise. Some days they did, other days they would fall, then a few days later they would rise again!
In June, after several blood tests and a lot of prayer, the Dr. decided that my body couldn't miscarry by itself. He sent us to the hospital, where I would be given a shot that would eventually dissolve whatever was left of our baby.
It was literally the most difficult night of my life. To lay there and know that whatever hope we had was literally dissolving away was devastating. Thinking about it now, I still find it hard to breath. I cried and cried while my husband held me. We had only been married for a year and a half at this point. While the situation may have rocked some marriages to disaster, it made ours so much stronger.
A few days after I came home, the Lord laid a song on my heart about the experience. It brought me a lot of closure to write a song to our baby. We did a rough recording and put it away.
Now that I am pregnant again, I have been on message boards chatting with ladies all over the world that are due the same month as me. My favorite board, is October Outcasts, on Facebook. While on there, I have seen many women share that they have had miscarriages in the past, or are in the midst of losing their baby. Reading those posts brought back memories of my lost child. So, I asked Mark if we could re-record our song and make it available to those women. My hope is that it may bring some comfort to those who are in need of hope or assurance in such a difficult time.
The song is now called, At Heaven's Gates and is available to listen to and download for free. Here are the lyrics for you to read along with the song.
Today is harder than yesterday
Oh I tried to forget about you
But how can I forget about
A dream that almost came true
It only lasted for a little while
But that was all it took
For me to fall head over heels
Completely in love with you
I cry so hard, I hurt so bad
But I'm lifted while my heart aches
For I know one day, I know one day
I will meet you at Heaven's Gates
I ask myself so many questions
Could anything be done?
But I'm learning that it's not up to me
I can't control the stars or sun
But the One who watches over us
Now He holds your hand
While I weep for you, my babe
Our Father helps me to stand
I cry so hard, I hurt so bad
But I'm lifted while my heart aches
For I know one day, I know one day
I will meet you at Heaven's Gates
A year ago about this time, I was actually pregnant for the first time with our baby that we affectionately named Peanut. We suspected I was pregnant at a conference in Atlanta, but the home tests came back negative. So, we waited. In mid-May, we got a blood test confirming I was indeed pregnant, but was potentially in the midst of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. The hope was the my hcg levels would rise. Some days they did, other days they would fall, then a few days later they would rise again!
In June, after several blood tests and a lot of prayer, the Dr. decided that my body couldn't miscarry by itself. He sent us to the hospital, where I would be given a shot that would eventually dissolve whatever was left of our baby.
It was literally the most difficult night of my life. To lay there and know that whatever hope we had was literally dissolving away was devastating. Thinking about it now, I still find it hard to breath. I cried and cried while my husband held me. We had only been married for a year and a half at this point. While the situation may have rocked some marriages to disaster, it made ours so much stronger.
A few days after I came home, the Lord laid a song on my heart about the experience. It brought me a lot of closure to write a song to our baby. We did a rough recording and put it away.
Now that I am pregnant again, I have been on message boards chatting with ladies all over the world that are due the same month as me. My favorite board, is October Outcasts, on Facebook. While on there, I have seen many women share that they have had miscarriages in the past, or are in the midst of losing their baby. Reading those posts brought back memories of my lost child. So, I asked Mark if we could re-record our song and make it available to those women. My hope is that it may bring some comfort to those who are in need of hope or assurance in such a difficult time.
The song is now called, At Heaven's Gates and is available to listen to and download for free. Here are the lyrics for you to read along with the song.
Today is harder than yesterday
Oh I tried to forget about you
But how can I forget about
A dream that almost came true
It only lasted for a little while
But that was all it took
For me to fall head over heels
Completely in love with you
I cry so hard, I hurt so bad
But I'm lifted while my heart aches
For I know one day, I know one day
I will meet you at Heaven's Gates
I ask myself so many questions
Could anything be done?
But I'm learning that it's not up to me
I can't control the stars or sun
But the One who watches over us
Now He holds your hand
While I weep for you, my babe
Our Father helps me to stand
I cry so hard, I hurt so bad
But I'm lifted while my heart aches
For I know one day, I know one day
I will meet you at Heaven's Gates